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Take A Break, Laugh A Little....
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Married Life
A young couple married and went on their honeymoon. When they returned,
the bride called her mother immediately.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh Mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"......
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible
language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE
MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your
husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash,
iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
******************************************************
Golf Confessional
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I
feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of
forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the
green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
******************************************************
Great Blond Joke
blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
******************************************************
Too Sick to Work
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
******************************************************
Sunburn
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy
with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt
raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there
anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".
"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll
keep the sheets off it!"
******************************************************
Living in the South
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
******************************************************
Let Him Dig!!!
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. ---To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And you know men won't ask for directions.
******************************************************
IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG
Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
******************************************************
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?
******************************************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle.'
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller ..
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster 's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange and purple.
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa 's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white..
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
******************************************************
"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS
Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now , they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too , but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate , there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks , they just eat out. And , they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out , bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment , I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out , so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS
******************************************************
Tech support.
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then...'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ...... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer!'
******************************************************
Why are women so complicated?
Her Diary / His Diary
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Snowblower wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.
******************************************************
WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER
You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that old people had a career before they retired......
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the young boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?
******************************************************
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......
'Bastards won't let me fart'.
******************************************************
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!! On a trans Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming she stands up in the front of the plane.'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.... He whispers . . . "Iron this. Then get me a beer."
******************************************************
Weiner limerick
There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a sarcastic demeanor.........
Forced from the Hill..........
For acting like Bill..........
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner............
******************************************************
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'
******************************************************
ACTUAL COURTROOM STATEMENTS:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_ ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty- year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: ;Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
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800 numbers...This is something worth sharing!
Any time you call an 800 number (for a credit card, banking, charter communications, health and other insurance, computer help desk, etc) and you find that you're talking to a foreign customer service representative (perhaps in India, Philippines, etc), please consider doing the following: After you connect and you realize that the customer service representative is not from the USA (you can always ask if you are not sure about the accent), please, very politely (this is not about trashing other cultures) say, "I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the United States of America ." The rep might suggest talking to his/her manager, but, again, politely say, "Thank you, but I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the USA ." YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY CONNECTED TO A REP IN THE USA . That's the rule and the LAW.
It takes less than one minute to have your call re-directed to the USA . Tonight when I got redirected to a USA rep, I asked again to make sure - and yes, she was from Fort Lauderdale . Imagine what would happen if every US citizen insisted on talking to only US phone reps from this day on. Imagine how that would ultimately impact the number of US jobs that would need to be created
ASAP!!!
If I tell 10 people to consider this and you tell 10 people to consider doing this - see what I mean...it becomes an exercise in viral marketing 101. Remember - the goal here is to restore jobs back here at home - not to be abrupt or rude to a foreign phone rep. You may even get correct answers, good advice, and solutions to your problem - in real English. If you agree, please tell 10 people you know, and ask them to tell 10 people they know....etc...etc
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How do you starve a Democrat?
Hide their food stamps
under their work boots.
Note: Please don't vote your racial guilt, personality likes or dislikes. Voting is about qualifications, vision and competence.
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DAMN, I MIGHT HAVE OFFENDED EVERYONE ,YA THINK?
I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard. They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.
There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagin.
Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it's hilarious!
I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.
I caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick!" It’s not yours is it?
Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. Now I'm worried that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
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THE OLD & THE NEW NAVY
"Go Navy"
Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper, if you're lucky.
Then - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
Now - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work.
Then - If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home port.
Now - The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.
Then - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.
Now - bell bottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them everywhere.
Then - You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.
Now - It's not required and you have a choice of different hats.
Then - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now - If you say "damn" you'd better be talking about a hydro electric plant.
Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.
Now - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.
Then - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the cockpit.
Then - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now - She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked.
Then - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
Then - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot Chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.
Then - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.
Now - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a Wedgie.
Then - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.
Then - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you Forever.
Then - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
Then - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
Then - You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
Then - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center , played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.
Then - If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go to the Chief's or Officers' Club.
Now - The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink.
Then - The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn't make much money.
Now - You can get better merchandise and cheaper at Wal-Mart.
Then - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
Now - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point Presentation.
Then - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds" because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors or Insurgents" so we won't offend them.
Then - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.
Then - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
Thank God I was in the "Old Navy" . And proud of it.
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Dad!
A mans daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house". Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...
"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
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Donald Trump Explains
Let me get this straight . . . ...
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
Plan we are forced to purchase and
Fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
Ten million more people,
Without adding a single new doctor,
But provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
Written by a committee whose chairman
Says he doesn't understand it,
Passed by a Congress that didn't read it but
Exempted themselves from it,
And signed by a President who smokes,
With funding administered by a treasury chief who
Didn't pay his taxes,
For which we'll be taxed for four years before any
Benefits take effect,
By a government which has
Already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
All to be overseen by a surgeon general
Who is obese,
And financed by a country that's broke!!!!!
'What the hell could
Possibly go wrong?'
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C-141
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?" I
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I just got my new cell phone, - and it's one I understand how to operate !!!
At Last, a Cell Phone for Seniors & semi - Seniors!
I know some of you may not be old enough to get this,
but you can pass it on to some old person who needs a laugh today!!!
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
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Eyes of the Beholder
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
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The Hotel Bill
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of Chicago 's most expensive hotel.
When she checked the out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnightstop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Los Angeles , and Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. " But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." '
'That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
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The Green Thing
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
The Green Thing
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A little girl's prayer to God:
"Dear God, in this year of need please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......!"
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barb ells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Why I fired my secretary
I fired my secretary last week.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out
to lunch, just you and me.
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go..
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?
I responded, I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.
Ok,' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and
co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here,” says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said............
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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-------------------------
Quote of the Day
-------------------------
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
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You know you're a redneck if...
1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on How much gas is in it.
3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4) You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different house night.
5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, Watch this.'
7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9) Your junior prom offered day care.
10) You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a Law against it.
17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
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IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG
Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
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